Trying on Irony

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 My Own Modest Proposal

Hear-ye, hear-ye! The steamy hot Hearst Newspapers has gone full coverage on the Spanish-American war. Although no one survived the sinking, those Hearst journalists sure saw just about everything (view detailed explosion, front page)! In the 1900s, citizens Margaret and Ethel would comment on this story over tea to display their reactions, while their husbands Joseph and Henry would holler about the United States’ sure victory. This is an even sweeter victory for the Hearst Newspapers! Something between the lines of “MAINE EXPLOSION caused by BOMB or TORPEDO” speaks red-with-white-stripes American fear, but no worries--- one can trust the source. 

I bear good news. Times have changed, the people are redirecting themselves from misleading journalistic efforts. While newspaper writers capitalize on “QUEEN TURNS ANDREW OVER TO THE FBI,” the majority of citizens---unequivocally---boycott newspaper reading. Riding the CalTrain, I was surprised that citizens have definitely attempted to uproot Yellow Journalism by looking at little glass screens (with sound-effects). Undoubtedly, no variety of fake news can poison the educated minds now. Without a single sheet of newspaper in sight, I ask you, isn’t this the first step of exterminating Yellow Journalism completely? 

I bear good news again. When Moses rose on Mount Sinai with two tablets of stone, humanity saw the solution to Yellow Journalism. In this world, only truth would be set in stone. Chew on this: as of March 1st, news should be carved by newspaper publishers on stone daily at the break of dawn. Each word, nay, each letter should be carved with earnestness and truth. Hail the Rosetta stone, Egyptian’s revolutionary and impacting stele that revealed the intelligence of an entire civilization. Imagine your morning with 14 tablets purchased at the price of smashing a few fingers: you read your bias-free information as your children work together to flip the page. Paper kills trees, and phones drain electricity. A couple of mountains, however, provide BREAKING NEWS and TOP STORIES that would make Joseph Pulitzer want to live in our time. Stop worrying that your newspaper will be gone with the wind or that your trusty phone will be flushed down the toilet, when was the last time the Code of Hammurabi flew away? I bear good news, this solution kills two birds with one stone! It’s time to start carving! 

I bear good news thrice: only when carved in granite can we ensure that we are not seeing paradoxes, fallacies, or outright lies because we have an attention-grabbing culture that does not filter right from wrong. Given that our society wants to be informed of current events and shall have a reliable source of information, I can sleep peacefully at night because I wouldn’t wake to  Hearst’s signature Yellow Journalism: “MAINE EXPLOSION caused by BOMB or TORPEDO.”

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